Out of Hiding

I was trucking right along there for awhile with this whole blog thing and downright enjoying it....and then I "had" a baby! We were on the list for a baby but you never know when you are going to get that call. She was born March 17th and we brought her home a few days later. Ever since then, life has been upside down.

Things had been running somewhat smoothly before A came along, despite all the paperwork, homeschooling, meetings, doctor's appointments, new trauma related behavior issues with one of our kids,  foster care visits with extended family, and all the usual stuff (cooking, cleaning, laundry - who am I kidding, that never gets done - and blogging).....but throw in a lack of sleep and I'm beat! She is amazing and we are sooooo happy that she has joined our family (we are for sure able to adopt this one! YAY! our FIRST adoption!) and she is so perfect and beautiful.

So before A came, I kinda thought I could keep up with 5 blog posts per week and 4 on a really busy week. Now I'm thinking either 1: I will never have time to blog again in my entire life or 2: I will aim for once a week. So you will still see me around here once in awhile and I do have some stuff up my sleeve that I really, really want to talk about.

This week's successes and excitement:

I CAUGHT UP ON ALL THE LAUNDRY!!!! (you mom's of many know what I'm talking about!) The laundry hampers are all empty. Every.single.one.of.them. And even got it all put away! <3

My lovely mother came out for 6 hours today and played with my wonderful kids so I could catch up on some urgent paperwork and housework. Thanks, Mom!

I am brainstorming for a huge party I would like to throw for my kids - just cuz.

I made a really interesting concoction for supper tonight and it turned out great!

And my small group women are the best best ever, as they brought me some meals and desserts and wine and snacks and gourmet coffee this past week to keep me sane!

Thanks so much for stopping by! See you around :)

Ignorance is bliss?

People often say ignorance is bliss. They don't want to know about the awful things going on. It's too hard to watch; it's depressing. Besides, it's not like they can end poverty or make much of a difference anyway.

I used to be one of those people. I couldn't handle it and didn't want to know about the horrible things happening to people all over the world; images that I couldn't get out of my mind.

But if I close my eyes to what is happening around me in this world, I am also closing my heart and my resources to it. Knowing means facing truth, no matter how ugly that truth is. It means either sitting back and feeling guilty for doing nothing, or deciding to get involved in the solution. It is overwhelming to think of all the poverty and abuse and devastation in the world. Where do I begin? What can I do? Really? I am just one person.

I am a person. A person who can make a difference for another person or people. Those people may in turn change the lives of other people and so on.

If you are ignorant to what's going on in the world, it is not bliss. True, you may not have to be bothered by it, but it is still there. People are still hurting and desperate for answers and for help. Be a part of the solution and healing for someone today.

All of us are able to reach out and help someone. It doesn't have to be big or extravagant. Even a small gesture can make a big difference in the life of someone who is suffering. Ask yourself what you can do and what resources you can offer. Start changing the life of someone right now, today, and you will start changing the world and you will find satisfaction in being the hands and feet of Jesus to someone.

Katie Davis is a 22 year old who wanted to make a difference and here is a glimpse of her story and what she's doing.

After watching that, it is hard to say, "I can't." You can. You maybe cannot do what she is doing, but you can do something for someone somewhere. Beauty can come out of tragedy and you can be a part of that.

You can read the rest of Katie's story in her book called Kisses From Katie 

There are so many things you can do to make a difference.

Here are a few:

Adopt a child

Foster a child

Buy a shirt to support a weekly cause at sevenly

Buy jewellry to support women saved from sex trafficking rings in Nepal at safoundation.

Sponser a woman left abandoned or widowed, HIV+ single women, returnees from abduction and teenage mothers in Kampala and Gulu at Watoto Project Living Hope

Sponser a child or baby or house mother thru Watoto

gather supplies and deliver them to a women's shelter, 

make meals for an adoptive/foster family

Do something! 

So what are you going to do? 

What are some ideas you have come up with? Share in the comments!

Why Foster-to-Adopt? Why not an "easier" route?

Someone asked me this week why we are in the foster-to-adopt program instead of straight adoption or having more of our own children via a surrogate (I have one ovary left from the partial hysterectomy I had to have 5 years ago). I have been thinking about that a lot. Many people have asked us that question over the last few years.

Why would we do something that could cause us disappointment and loss?

Why not just go the "easier" and more guaranteed route?

Why take that risk?

I have Our family has a deep love for orphans and the fatherless and the widow. I admire people who spend upwards of $10,000 to adopt internationally and wait for years to receive their child(ren)....who adopt older children...who adopt medically fragile children, etc. That is their calling. But it is not ours, at least not for now. God has called us to this ministry. No matter which program you choose to pursue, NONE of them are easy. Or fast. They all include waiting, anxiety, unknowns, and emotional pain.

The positives of the foster-to-adopt program are....

that it protects the children in the program. If they are to be adopted, they WILL stay with us and be a part of our family forever, but if not, they will return to their birth family. The less transitions the child makes, the better. This is the best thing for the kids.

that we are supported financially while caring for these kids, as well as after we adopt them. When we went into this at the beginning, we had no idea of what that would look like financially and we didn't care. When we found out our monthly amount per child, we were almost disappointed - not because of the amount, but because we weren't in it for the money. We just wanted to help kids. But we have learned that this support makes a huge difference in our ability to meet the needs of the kids in our care and the needs of our growing family - and I appreciate that. I have the peace of mind that if my child needs therapy because of trauma or has extra medical needs, I will be able to provide that.

The training. I cannot say enough about the training. I think that every parent should have to take this training and especially people who are adopting internationally or adopting older children. If more people had the training needed, I believe that adoptions would have a higher success rate. Knowing what is causing the behaviors in my child and knowing how to properly respond in order to best meet that child's needs trumps being confused and thinking that they are just a spoiled brat and following that with actions that increase their emotional trauma.

that we can foster/adopt babies. We do babies because it is easier on our older children and on our family. We also made this decision because there is less trauma experienced by the child. Notice I said "less". It is difficult to adopt babies internationally, at least newborns, because by the time they are actually in your arms they are often well over 1 or 2 years old. Attachment can still happen with children this young, but it is not an easy thing.

Now what I do not like about the program....

there is a lot of legal risk. (means that the child may be returned to their family and not be a permanent placement). This is hard on the heart because we attach so strongly to each child. But it is usually good if the child can be returned.

Yeah......I could only come up with one negative. 

I think that we are able to help more children through foster-to-adopt than we could through any other program, and that is just my opinion. I don't think that this is what everyone should be doing, as obviously there is a great need for the other programs, too. But this is what we are called to. 

I won't pretend it is easy and that it doesn't dramatically change our family dynamics. It is hard at times and it changes everything, but our lives are so much richer for doing it. Not just my husband's and mine, but our children's, too. They are different kids now that we foster. They are empathetic, loving, world-changing kids. They see beyond the next video game or cookie they want. They see the world through new eyes. I have met so many people in the foster/adoption field who say, "Yes, my parents fostered (or adopted) and it changed my life and I love it and wouldn't have it any other way." It is hard on them, but they are stronger and better people for it. It is also a great blessing to them.

When facing the hard parts - the loss and lack of control - I sometimes think, "suck it up, princess, other people are worse off than you" and other days I truly let loose and grieve - crying, venting, hiding in my room, etc. I trust that God is in control and that His plans are above mine, but it's hard to let go and realize that it is out of my hands and I may not get the outcomes I'm begging and pleading for.

Someone said to me recently that God is weaving a beautiful tapestry and we are a part of it, but we can only see the knots and the ugliness on the back of the tapestry. One day we will be able to turn it around and see the beauty that God has created through these tough times and we will understand. I am so grateful to be a part of what God is doing in the lives of these precious children.

"Little Flower" a poem of love from a mother's heart

Tiny, fragile, lying there

grasping at her long black hair

Eyes are closed and eyebrows raise

beautiful, her little face

Little hands are all outstretched

nothing on her face is etched

Long brown fingers, big brown eyes

everything is a surprise

Cooing, laughing, looking 'round

this little treasure that we've found

Exploring, crawling, cuddled tight

angel tucked in for the night

Peace and love are all you know

as you grow and grow and grow

Time flies by and now you're one

can't believe you're so much fun

Brother holds you in his lap

where you fall asleep to nap

Sister loves to play with you

every day with you is new

Daddy holds you way up high

you are laughing in the sky

Mommy sings your favorite song

holds you close all day long

Pretty soon you start to walk

I can't believe how much you talk

You laugh and run and sing and dance

get into mischief every chance

Your second birthday has gone by

we love you right up to the sky

You are our joy and our delight

each morning all the way til night

I try but can't describe this child

she's intricate, unique, and wild

A flower, soft, a loving heart,

intrigued, affectionate, and smart

I'll never leave or let you go

how great our love, I hope you know

I've never met a girl like you

each day you fill our hearts anew

My greatest fear, I face today

they'll take my little girl away

I'd surely stop them if I could

I hope my baby knows I would

She won't know where her mommy went

why to grandma's she was sent

Did we really love her so

will our baby ever know?

She'll try to find her mom and dad

the brother, sister that she had

She'll cry not knowing where we are

or why we had her sent so far

 Our precious girl, alone and sad

crying for the ones she had

Please come back, come back for me

I'll be good, mom, you will see

Once this case is closed and filed

"they" will have traumatized a child

who should've been happy, attached, and free

instead of suffering emotionally

Will they know your favorite things,

the lullabies your mommy sings?

Your blanket, drink, and special cup, 

what you like when you get up?

My tears flow freely as I write

sitting here so late at night

Wishing I could stop this pain

fighting, but I fear in vain

I pray to God in Heav'n on high

I beg Him, "no!" and ask Him, "why?"

and yet I know He knows my pain

I know our loss is not in vain

His plan, I trust but cannot see

I'd stop it all if it was me

I want to keep my little daughter

I beg my God, my Living Water

So I beg, please hold her near

Lord, please let her know no fear

Hold her tight and dry her tears

give her joy for many years

Help her, please, to understand

if I could I'd hold her hand,

Hold her close and hear her voice,

but letting go is not my choice

If from her this cup can pass

I plead, my God, that's all I ask

Let us keep her, let her stay

don't let them take my girl away.

Grief and Battle

Little Flower's case. I don't even know what to say. She has not been represented or advocated for well and it's time to fight. I woke up this morning with a list of things I need to do to get this fight going and to advocate for her and then........I took a nap. All I did today was make one of the many phone calls and send a couple emails. That's it. But I guess that is grief taking over. I am so emotionally tired and overwhelmed that I just needed to close my eyes and let it all go away.

So now my day is almost over, but I am feeling more emotionally able to proceed. And so I will begin this next phase of the journey asking God for guidance and wisdom and asking you for your prayers. I love this little girl and need to fight for her but I also know that God loves her more and knows the whole story and sees the big picture. I need to trust Him and let her go. I need to lay her future in His hands. Pray for us as we try to do that..........

If We Lose Little Flower....

Little Flower came to us when she was just 3 days old. She was a beautiful, preemie, African/Jamaican baby. We are a foster-to-adopt home and so they try to place children with us who are most likely to become adoptable. But there is never a guarantee.....which we have learned. Without going into any detail, it seemed quite certain that Little Flower would be staying with us forever. There was really no one who could take her. We brought her home and she has been showered with love since the second we laid eyes on her.

She has grown and progressed well. She is pretty healthy and very happy and curious and a delight to our family. She is one of us. She is now 2 1/2 years old.

Decisions are now being made as to where she will spend the rest of her life and it's hard to look at her and think of her as not one of my children. There are 2 family members who want to take her and the decision will be made in June of this year......possibly sooner. I've lost other children, who have returned to their families or extended families and some of those stories are good. I've seen families healed and reunited with their children! That is an amazing and incredible thing. I support the birth families whenever I can and try to embrace them. But this time, it's different due to the circumstances. I fully support contact with the family, but I don't think it is best for her in the long run to be moved from our home.

I know what it's like for a child to live here, be my child, and then leave. It's happened 4 times....and I'm ok with that. That's what fostering is.....but I feel, somehow, that foster-to-adopt should be different. Permanent. We began this road so that we could adopt children. But it's not about us, we've realized, it's about the children. What I mean by that is that the foster-to-adopt program is designed to benefit the children - not necessarily us. If a child comes into foster care and then is not able to return home, it is best if the child is adopted by the current foster family. The less moves a child makes, the less trauma they endure. So they are at less risk, but we aren't.

And I'm ok with that.

What scares me most about Little Flower leaving after living here for so long is that she will feel betrayed. That she will be damaged emotionally. That she may not be cared for as well as I'd like her to be or in the ways that I would care for her.

I cannot imagine waking up each day and not seeing that precious little girl running through the house laughing. I cannot imagine not looking into her beautiful brown eyes. I cannot imagine not singing her favorite songs to her, holding her tight, and being able to soothe her when she's sad. We have such a strong bond and such an amazing understanding of each other. It's like I bore her from my own body.

I often say that if I was not a Christian, I could not be a foster parent. And it's true. People always ask, "How do you do it?" and my honest answer to that is that I serve the living God. The God of Heaven and earth, the Creator of all things, and He holds me in His hand. I have prayed and He has answered. I have nearly died and He has saved me. I was lost and broken and He found me and healed me. I put all my trust in Him and I know that He cares for each one of these children and will watch over them and protect them when I can't. The rewards far outweigh the losses.

Matthew 19:14

 but Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”

I love you, Little Flower <3

 

Should My Kids Do Chores? Part 2

We all really love our kids. We don't want to be hard on them and want them to have a fun childhood and not have to work too hard or be burdened. That's not truly loving our kids, though. They will grow up and expect to get places in life with minimal effort and that is not how life works. We know that, of course, but our kids don't and we have to share that valuable information with them in the form of work. 

Here are some really good reasons to have your kids helping out around the house:

1. They will learn to be organized and tidy which will help them to minimize stress and manage their lives better.
2. They learn the value of work.
3. Mom will have more time to spend with the kids if she's not doing all the work. A burnt out mom is not a fun mom. 
4. They learn independence.
5. They develop valuable skills.
6. They learn to appreciate the work of others.
7. It helps them to feel valued.
8. It gives them a sense of ownership and pride.
9. They learn the value of serving others. 
10. If they don't learn to take responsibility now, they certainly won't later.

So what age should your kids start helping out? I think that depends on the child. I start when they are quite young, about 15 months old or so. We play the clean up game and they participate in putting their baby toys in the basket. Following is a list of chores and skills and ages they are appropriate for. Of course, the easy chores are appropriate for older children, too, but I will try to list them under the ages that are appropriate for teaching the chore. You should not assign all the chores in one category to one child, but determine for yourself what needs to be done and how many of the chores your child is capable of handling at a time. 

Ages 2-3 

(Most of these will just be "helping" and not really doing an amazing job, they should work with someone and not alone)

Help pick up toys

Help set the table

Choose clothing

Brush teeth

Wipe front of appliances/cupboards

Help fold rags, dishcloths, and facecloths

Make their bed

Put laundry in the dryer

Wipe lightswitch plates

Dust

Hang up pajamas 

Put on socks

Wash hands and face (with help)

Straighten shoes - line them up

Ages 4-5

Choose clothing

Get dressed

Put away pajamas

Make bed

Brush teeth

Tidy bedroom (with guidance)

Set table

Clear table

Help fold laundry

Spot clean floor or walls

Feed pets

Water plants

Change hand towels in bathroom and kitchen

Help with baking

Wipe up a spill

Wipe off seats of kitchen chairs

Empty bathroom garbage

Put dirty clothes in hamper

Help load the washing machine

Help rinse dishes

Dust

Wash face and hands   

Put on shoes and coat

Help carry small items to the car

Pick up garbage in the car

Help wipe seats in the car

Help bring the yard toys back to the house

Clean bathroom sink and counter

Clean out the lint trap in the dryer 

Know address and phone number

Ages 6-9

Tidy bedroom

Sweep 

Comb hair

Floss teeth

Help fold laundry

Take dirty laundry to the laundry room

Empty dryer and load wet clothes into dryer

Clean and trim nails

Separate own dirty and clean laundry

Change sheets on bed

Mop

Empty dishwasher

Wipe table and counters

Put away own laundry

Tidy main areas (living and dining room and entrance)

Wipe toilet seat

Put away books and movies

Help younger child learn a chore

Vacuum

Take phone message

Fold blankets

Weed garden

Clean tv and computer screens

Take out garbage

Take out recycling

Clean mirrors

Empty wastebaskets

Help with meal prep

Bake (with help when using the oven)

Put groceries away

Clean windows and mirrors in car

Learn measurement

Make emergency call 

Clean pet cages 

Read a map 

Ages 10-12

Clean bedroom

Wash own laundry

Tidy dresser drawers

Get up on time

Make basic meals

Clean the bathroom

Organize 

Shovel walk or deck

Vacuum out vehicle

Make small repairs

Teach chores to younger children

Vacuum

Clean under sink and wipe out kitchen cupboards

Clean out fridge

Mop floors

Load dishwasher

Put away leftovers

Help put seatbelts on younger children

Pack bags needed for outings

Make snacks

Wash and dry dishes by hand

Wash windows

Fold laundry neatly, without wrinkles

Flip mattress

Replace lightbulbs (understand wattage) 

Water gardens and grass

Sort laundry according to color, dirt, fabric

Measure properly 

Open a savings account 

Pack own lunch 

Learn first aid emergency procedures 

Basic baby care 

Repair toys and books

Compare quality and prices 

Hang a picture on the wall

Check smoke detectors

Ages 13-15

Plan and cook a healthy meal

Mow the lawn

Fix a bike tire

Simple sewing/mending

Budget allowance

Detail car

Hand wash delicates

Shop for clothing

Trim trees and shrubs

Replace fuse or know where breakers are

Polish furniture

Clean rugs with a steam cleaner

Unplug a drain with chemicals and plunger

Organize closets

Read/understand ingredient labels

Do own clothing inventory

Take a bus

Know emergency first aid and cpr procedures

Plan a party

Fill car with gas

Check oil and washer fluid 

Babysit

Iron clothing

Understand stain treatment

Clean carseats 

   

Ages 16-18

Change a tire

Change the oil

Fix a bike

Household repairs

Use power tools safely

Paint a room

Drive

Learn to properly use credit card

Plan groceries for a week and shop for them

Return item to store

Babysit  

Clean out oven

Run errands

Understand expenses and pay bills

Get a job

Wash the car

Budget

 

I fully understand that not every child will be able to accomplish everything in the age category that I've placed it. I have known 2 year olds that could pick out their own clothes and 6 year olds that can't dress themselves. These are only guidelines and a place to start from. You determine what you think your child would be capable of and if they can't do everything on the list, that's not a big deal. Start with a few things and master them and then add to it. 

I read a book called 401 Ways to Get Your Kids to Work at Home by Bonnie Runyan McCullough and Susan Walker Monson and I would recommend it. It is full of great ideas and charts and plans and is a great asset no matter where your family is at right now. If you'd like a copy of the book, you can pick one up at Chapters Indigo or possibly at your local library.    

 

Awkward Questions and Attention

Since becoming a foster parent, I have been asked a lot of questions and I love answering them. I love the interest people have in adoption and I love being able to answer their questions. Sometimes, though, the questions asked can be quite awkward. Here's an example:

My husband and I were in line for the checkout at a store with our 4 kids in tow (2 of them african, 1 blond, and 1 french/cree). A lady behind us asked, "Do they have different dads?" to which I quickly replied, "Yes! They all have different dads :)". I didn't bother explaining and just went on my way, letting her assume whatever she wanted.

I'm sure she was just curious, but the truth is that not much thought went into what she asked. For one, my kids were all standing right there. I don't have any ill feelings toward this woman because she probably didn't think she was doing any harm.

I'm sure that any adoptive family you talk to will tell you the same thing. People ask them awkward questions all the time, and in front of their kids.

"Are these all your real kids?"

"Do you love them the same as your own kids or is it different?"

"Where are their real parents?"

"Do you want more of your own kids?"

All my kids are real. They are all mine. I am their real parent, but I assume you meant their birth parents. They are all my own kids although they may not have come from my body. I really don't mind even the awkward questions sometimes as I know people are just trying to understand and are curious to know more. If you do have a lot of questions for an adoptive parent, try to ask them out of earshot of their children or set up a time to have coffee with them to ask your questions.

I have learned soooo much since becoming a foster/adoptive parent that I had no clue about before. I don't expect people who haven't walked this road to know the do's and don'ts of questioning an adoptive parent. Before you ask a question, though, try to think of how it may come across to the parents and to the kids.

Another thing that I have run into time and again is that our african daughter gets loads of attention and our blond birth daughter gets next to none. People will swoon over Little Flower and go on and on about how beautiful she is and how exquisite she is - and don't get me wrong, she's quite beautiful - but then they will leave and not have said one kind word to our birth daughter, Wild Princess, who is standing right there watching. She is 5 and has been quite hurt a few times from being left out and going unnoticed. I love the compliments we get on Little Flower, but I would rather both girls get compliments or neither of them get compliments.

So please, please continue to ask me as many questions as you like, even awkward ones, and please try to be sensitive, too. :)

Should I adopt?

Adoption isn't something that is thought about much. If you are married or not married, have kids or don't have kids, your life is the way it is and you go about your day to day tasks and then do it all again the next day. And the next. You work, run errands, prepare meals, eat, sleep, clean your house, spend time with friends and family and then do it all over again. Life is good. Life isn't that complicated. Ok, well sometimes it is, but have you really thought about adoption?

As a Christian, I believe that everyone should be involved with adoption in one way or another. That sounds crazy and ridiculous, I know, but hear me out. The Bible says in James 1:27 "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." I'm pretty sure that the word "visit" in that verse doesn't just mean go over for coffee. There are so many ways to impact the lives of widows and orphans and bringing a child into your home to be a part of your family is only one of them. 

Here are some ways you can be involved:

1. If you know an adoptive or foster family, ask them how you can help. Ask them to be specific with their needs or let them know what things you would be able to offer. (More on this in another post.)
2. Sponser a child. Or children.
3. Go on a short or long term missions trip.
4. Seek out the widows and single moms in your city and commit to being a support for them. 
5. Volunteer at a women's shelter.
6. Pray.
7. Get your church involved with orphan ministry.
8. Offer regular respite to a foster/adoptive family.
9. Donate $ to orphan ministries.
10. Donate $ to a family that is adopting internationally or privately. 
11. Host a fundraiser for a family adopting internationally or privately.

This list is NOT exhaustive by any means, but you can see that there are a lot of things that you can do that will make a huge difference. So what should you do? 

Some things that you should know if you are thinking about adopting/fostering.....

In my last post Our Foster/Adoption Story Part 1 I said some things in the first paragraph that, at the time, I truly believed, but later have discovered are not true. I thought we would "save" this child and they would become a part of our wonderful family, that they would complete our family. I thought that it would be challenging, but not that hard. I had thoughts like, "Well, this child's parents were not properly caring for their child and since they couldn't get it together, their child is now my child and that family is not a part of our family." That is so not the case. You are not fostering/adopting a child by themselves. You are taking a family. A history. A culture. And whatever comes with that.

In some cases, it is not appropriate to have contact with the family, but if it is appropriate - it is best for your child. They need to know who they are and you can't erase that. If you do, it may tell that child that they are from something bad (and maybe they are, but that doesn't make them bad and we don't want to send them that message). Find the good and focus on it. 

With our first placements, we were reluctant to embrace the family because we didn't know better. We thought we would "replace" that family. That causes confusion for kids because that family is a huge part of who they are and if you don't try to embrace it, it is like you are not fully embracing that child. With our second placement, Little Flower, we noticed a huge difference in the way she felt and responded when we started embracing her family. Her eyes lit up. She relaxed and wasn't uptight about going on visits. She saw in our eyes that everything was ok. We even put up pictures of her birth sisters and parents in our home and talk about them often. She is much happier and less confused. Her family is just bigger now and she has more people that love her. Kids need to know who they are and where they are from.

Imagine, for a second, that you have lost your child for whatever reason. Your child is in another home with another family. Your child. Would you want that family to erase you from your child's mind? How would that make you feel towards that family? How would it make you feel if they instead focused on the good things about you and taught your child to love you and remember you? How would that change how you felt about your child being in that home? 

Adoption is not easy. It is wonderful and beautiful, but not easy. Every child who is adopted has experienced great loss. You are not saving them. Yes, you are giving them love and the best life you can, but it is traumatic for a child to be removed from their birth family. It is incredibly sad. Yes, they are safe now and being loved and fed and cared for, and that part is good, but they have experienced profound loss. They are not "lucky".

When a child is placed with/adopted by you, especially an older child (2+ years), you will most likely have a honeymoon phase. It is so great. You can't believe how perfect this child is for your family and how well your birth kids get along with this new child! It's like God hand-picked this child for you! So perfect! Enjoy this phase because the next one is not so fun. After a few months (for us it was 3 months) things get tough. And they may stay that way for several weeks, months, or even years. You may have thoughts like, "Have we made a mistake? Maybe we weren't supposed to adopt this child. I really can't even stand this kid!" These are actually extremely common thoughts. You will probably feel like you are alone in this and that you are a horrible person for even thinking this way! 

But you are not alone. When this phase hits, you need to be ready. Take all the training you can get your hands on. Understand any disabilities or delays your child may have and know how to help your child. Ask as many questions of professionals that you can. Set up regular respite (if you can get one or two people to regularly commit, that is better for the child). Get enough sleep. Eat well. Get your child any professional help they may need. You may need to talk to a therapist yourself and that's ok! Surround yourself with people who understand and know what you are going through. You will get through this!

Adoption can be hard on your marriage. It can add a lot of stress and if your marriage is not strong, you could be in trouble down the road. Adoption doesn't end once the child comes home, it is only the beginning. If you are going to adopt, you both need to be on the same page. Make sure that this is something that you both want to do so that down the road, when things get tough, you aren't hearing, "Well, this was your idea....I told you so......this isn't my problem". You need to support each other. 

And the last thing I'm going to mention in this post is don't forget your birth kids. An adopted child tends to get a lot of attention (especially if they are a different race) and your birth kids can kind of get left behind. Be intentional in your relationships with all your kids. Cut them some slack and help them adjust to the new child in the home. Take them on one-on-one dates as often as you can - even if it's just alone time with mom or dad in another area of the house. They need your support, too. 

These are things that you will want to discuss and look further into if you are considering adoption or foster care. I know some of that may sound scary or that you may be thinking, like I did, "That won't happen to us", but I want you to be realistic and learn from the people who have gone this road before you. I also want you to know how amazing and fulfilling and wonderful adoption is. Anything incredible is worth working hard for. This will change your life. I can honestly tell you that I have no regrets and if I could change anything, it would be that I had made myself more informed at the beginning in order to be a better parent and advocate for these kids from the start.



 

 

Our Foster/Adoption Story Part 1

My husband and I talked about adoption way back when we were dating. I had wanted to "run an orphanage" with my sisters since I was 5 years old. I loved kids and adoption had always been a part of that dream and my husband's parents had recently adopted 3 more children to add to their 6. So when I nearly died with our first child a year later and had to have an emergency hysterectomy, I was not disappointed. I was happy to be alive and adoption seemed like the obvious next step for us. It was unfamiliar territory, but really, how hard could it be? We were going to "save" a child from a sad/terrible life and make them a part of our wonderful, happy family. We were going to bless and love this child! It was soooo exciting!

It took us a short 9 months to finish the application process and when our daughter was just 2 years old, we got our first foster-to-adopt placements. 2 beautiful boys, ages 2 and 4, joined our family. It was so busy and soooo good! Our then 8 year old son had a perfect playmate and our daughter had a little playmate her age, too! Everyone got along so well and it was nothing but smiles and laughter for about 3 months. Then the storm started to hit. We had taken training and had been told about this, but the whole time we were thinking, "We've been parents for quite awhile now, we come from good homes, we've got this. That won't happen to us." So when the storm did hit, we were caught a little off guard.

It wasn't all that bad, but sibling rivalry was rampant and some of the behaviors I was seeing I felt inadequate to handle. I wanted to do all the right things, but just didn't know what to do. I needed more training and more understanding. Those wonderful boys did end up going back home to their wonderful, hard-working, deserving mother - who is now a good friend of mine. That one had a happy ending.

 We decided to try taking a baby the next time so that it wouldn't be as hard on our family and so 3 weeks later, after a short family holiday with our 2 bio kids, we got "Little Flower". She was brand new and so adorable. We literally had to hide her when we went out because people would stop us everywhere we went - which we liked at first, but sometimes you just need to get where you are going! We've now had Little Flower for 2 1/2 years and family has stepped up and stepped back and her case has been all over the place. We have lived in a dreaded fear of losing her for over a year now, and trial is supposed to be in June of this year. Every day we pray for this little girl and the confusion and trauma that she didn't ask for. She is definitely a part of our family in every way.

When Little Flower turned 1 year old, we got another call and welcomed a little girl we will call "Katie" home. This one was going to for sure be adoptable as previous siblings were already adopted by another foster family. She was such a darling and tiny little girl. Her mom fought for her and after a short 16 months with us - she went home. That was really hard. Hard to lose a baby. It was bittersweet, though.

When Katie had just turned 1 year old, we got another call that Little Flower's baby sister needed a place for a short time until family could get things together so they could take her. We knew that she wouldn't be staying with us long, but we said yes anyway. She was 5 months old when she came and she stayed until she was 10 months old. It was particularly hard when Little Sister left because it was only 2 months after Katie had left. We had been blessed with "twins" for a short 5 months and then lost them both.

I cannot tell you how quiet and eerie it was to go from 2 babies to no babies. To only have 3 children in the house seemed very odd. By this time we had had a lot more training and were eating it up as fast as we could get it. We had learned a lot about grief and loss and felt a lot more prepared to help our children through these transitions.

 Our 11 year old articulates his feelings quite well and has worked through his grief in a healthy way at his own pace. The younger girls are not able to express how they feel very well and so it came out in their behaviors and attitudes. Some of that was hard to handle, but knowing that it was just their way of grieving really made a huge difference in how it felt and how we handled it.

I am sure that people who didn't know us must have thought that we were terrible parents. My 2 year old would hit me in the face and scream at me and I would hug her tight and repeat over and over, "I love you, sweetie, I love you so much! I am sorry you are sad." And she would stop hitting me and cry in my lap, hugging me back. It took the youngest a couple of weeks before she was ok to let me go somewhere without her and then one day she decided she was fine and I could go.

Our 5 year old needs a lot of attention normally, and so after losing 2 siblings in such a short time, she has needed A TON of attention. We've done everything we can to meet those needs and have seen huge improvements in her daily. She has moved through her grief a little more slowly than the others, but she has gone at a pace that is comfortable for her.

We have had such an amazing opportunity to help our kids through some tough stuff, and they are better and stronger for it. We have been taking a break for the past 2 months to find our new "normal" and to give our kids the time and attention that they needed to heal.

That is a snapshot of what our fostering/adoption journey has looked like over the last 3 1/2 years. I will be sharing more in depth about the realities of this journey in future posts. If you have any questions at all along the way, please feel free to leave them in the comments and I will do my best to answer them!

Summer 2012 Updates

Hey, so I haven't been around for a long time and I'm going to just give you a quick update before I dive back into "regular" blogging (hey, I'm trying!)

Homemade Baby Formula - so I tried this for a couple-3 weeks and it was ok. K ended up getting some pretty good diarrhea and I found out from a friend that it was because I didn't water down the goats milk half and half  before mixing it up. She wasn't used to the milk, so needed to be eased into it. So I didn't end up trying it again, but I may try it again in the future (with another child seeing as K is now over a year old and on 3% milk and having a lot less colds).

Homemade Deodorant - still love it.

My Office. Ugh. Well, it's not that bad, but it doesn't look a heck of a lot better than it did. My organization in there is greatly improved and the floor is usually kept clutter free - but it's still a bit of a dumping ground and I'm still working on getting rid of as much as possible and figuring out systems that will work for me. Improvement is progress.

No Shampoo - I went "poo free" for about 3 months and enjoyed it. I liked my hair and it was pretty good. A little itchy that first week or two but then pretty good. I ended up having a dandruff problem, which I'm not sure was related, and so went back to regular shampoo and am still using it. Interesting, though, my head is quite itchy quite often. Like every 3 days or so it gets annoying, so I may try some shampoos from the Health Food store in town and let you know what I think of that.

Another Baby! So I have 5 kids now and the addition was quite unexpected and I got, well, half an hour's notice of the change! It was a whirlwind and exciting and crazy and the babies are the same size and the same weight and very near the same place developmentally which makes it "feel" like having twins (although not exactly like twins, one is 5 months and one is 13 months). I still carry, feed, rock, nurture, love, change, dress 2 babies. I have crashed a little once already and now have a cold (and so do all the children, except 1) and I suspect it's because of the new set of germs in the house. :)

The kids are all a little more irritable -

L is tired more easily and a little on edge and overwhelmed, but LOVES the babies and realizes that good stress is still stress. He helps a lot.

 J is as up and down as ever (pray for her) but I'm working super hard at building relationship with her and lavishing her with all the love I can muster. She, too, loves the new addition :)

D loves the baby the most. She ADORES her and mothers her and nurtures her. She is full swing into the "getting into EVERYTHING" stage (cutting up the playpen mesh, eating a tube of flouride free toothpaste, trying to eat deodorant, putting thick diaper rash cream all through her hair and on her hands and feet, brushing her teeth with anybody's toothbrush she can get her hands on, etc etc etc). She is a rollercoaster and a complete joy.

K hated the new baby for the first little while. Not sure why, cuz K is the sweetest baby on earth. It took her a few weeks, but she is warming up to baby P very nicely :) I wouldn't say she loves her yet, but she is definitely ok with her being around now. We love K more every day and she is finally progressing! Crawling (aka crab walk), saying a few words, signing more, responding, sitting up on her own, trying to stand.

 And little baby P is delightfully patient and calm and sweet and chubby and lovely. Her cry is horrible and odd, but it's tolerable since she's such a joy :) 

I'm doing really well, but had to make a few changes and am still making changes.

1. Packing diaper bags and visit bags the night before.
2. Making Matthew's lunch the night before.
3. Working way harder and going on the computer/watching tv way less.
4. Doing housework in the evening instead of winding down and watching tv which means I go to bed a little later and wake up a little tireder and have to nap in the afternoon a bit more often.
5. NOT FEELING THE LEAST BIT GUILTY ABOUT NAPPING. I need my rest. When I don't get it I'm grumpy or get sick.
6. Spending more one on one with the kids.
7. Make batches of bottles the night before so they're ready the next day.
8. Getting out for regular dates with Matthew and regular breaks when I'm overwhelmed. (thanks to the respite fund!)
9. Making 2-4 meals at once and cooking way less often.
10. Getting more and more organized in all areas of my life because I have to. (and I want to)
11. I finally quit teaching Sunday school and so won't be continuing in the fall (unless I change my mind)
12. Lots more paperwork and emails (foster related)
13. Dr's appointments coming out my ears lol

I'll stop there, but I could go on.

What I'm loving right now:

cuddling babies
reading stories
going for walks with my triple stroller
visiting with friends
a clean and organized home
home cooked meals
 taking naps
dates with Matthew
 teaching the kids
 prepping for the school year
 time alone with God
going to church
watching the kids dance to crazy music
 Matthew coming home at the end of the day and the children running to hug him,
encouragement and help from family and friends
 Bible study at my house on Tuesday mornings
coffee (how did that end up so far down the list??? lol)
listening to all my clocks ticking late at night when all are sleeping
watching my babies sleep
having 5 children - Love that.
Summer weather and storms and our borrowed air conditioner
food
Pinterest
helping friends/family
crafting

........I'm so grateful. <3

My Hair, My Office, My Heart.....

So by this time it has been firmly established that I am a terrible blogger......but hopefully that is because I am being a present Mother in the lives of my children. Do forgive me.

I blogged only 4 times in December and left you with questions.....

Am I still going shampoo-free? How is that going?

What about that grand office reveal???

I made it 9 weeks without shampoo, using baking soda and apple cider vinegar. I loved every minute of it and proudly told everyone I met that I didn't wash my hair anymore. But mid December I ended up with a bit of a dandruff problem (which I am not convinced was related to going poo-free, cuz I've had it on and off before).
I was super stressed in December because of everything that goes on in December combined with sickness etc, that I felt too overwhelmed to begin researching natural ways to deal with my dandruff (which shows up nicely on my black hair). So I quit. Lame. I know.

I have been using shampoo again since mid-December and the first time I used it my hair felt so soft and......flat and dry. My head got kinda itchy from being so dry since I wasn't used to drying out my head with shampoo anymore. I have noticed that although I am shampooing again, my hair does not get very greasy anymore. I used to HAVE to wash my hair every other or third day and now I am only needing to wash it about once a week - SCORE! That makes me happy cuz I'm kinda busy.

I will probably quit the shampoo thing again, but being on the verge of possibly more kids makes me a little hesitant to begin the experiment just yet. I don't want to take on too much at once.

The office. Oh my. Ok it is definitely much better than it was but it's still a bit of a gong show. It looked GREAT for like 3 days after I organized it and then got pretty bad again. I think I have organized it two more times since the supposed "great reveal" and it's less chaotic now, but still needs work. I think the real problem is that it is a dumping ground and I don't really use it much. Maybe if I actually used that room more, it would be more organized and functional. I need to develop better habits when it comes to that room and I think it needs one or maybe 2 purposes at the most - currently it probably has about 7 uses...I AM making tons of progress over here with the rest of the house and it looks better more often and I am feeling less and less stressed about it.

My heart is next on the list for this blog post and by far the most exciting for me. For the last month or so I have been feeling God tugging at my heart concerning orphans and adoption and fostering. Obviously this has been a passion in my life for awhile, but this is a new and strong desire to really make a difference in this world.

• John 14:18  

  “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.

• James 1:27  

  Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

  

These and other verses like them have greatly impacted me. I have been content to be a foster to adopt mom and to love and raise my kids. I have always loved kids and thought that I'd have a big family. I always felt that I'd have a bunch of kids (maybe 10ish) and that'd be it. (LOL) Then they'd grow up, leave home, get married, have their own kids, and I'd get to be Grandma. I don't feel that way anymore. I want to adopt. I don't see an end in sight. When these kids are grown, I don't want to stop adopting, I want to take more difficult or special needs kids and love them (since I'll be able to focus on them without babies underfoot). I want to adopt the whole world. I want everyone to know what a blessing it is to love with all your being for the glory of God. I want to share my love of adoption and influence others to do the same. I want to save all those kids out there that need a mom and a dad to love them. I can't do it alone, but I can do my part. I am so excited! (I know some of you are probably rolling your eyes and saying, "oh Rachel" but I'm serious!) 

I could go on and on, but my kids need me, so that's it for today :)