My 3 yr old daughter took this pic of me

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

If We Lose Little Flower....

Little Flower came to us when she was just 3 days old. She was a beautiful, preemie, African/Jamaican baby. We are a foster-to-adopt home and so they try to place children with us who are most likely to become adoptable. But there is never a guarantee.....which we have learned. Without going into any detail, it seemed quite certain that Little Flower would be staying with us forever. There was really no one who could take her. We brought her home and she has been showered with love since the second we laid eyes on her.

She has grown and progressed well. She is pretty healthy and very happy and curious and a delight to our family. She is one of us. She is now 2 1/2 years old.

Decisions are now being made as to where she will spend the rest of her life and it's hard to look at her and think of her as not one of my children. There are 2 family members who want to take her and the decision will be made in June of this year......possibly sooner. I've lost other children, who have returned to their families or extended families and some of those stories are good. I've seen families healed and reunited with their children! That is an amazing and incredible thing. I support the birth families whenever I can and try to embrace them. But this time, it's different due to the circumstances. I fully support contact with the family, but I don't think it is best for her in the long run to be moved from our home.

I know what it's like for a child to live here, be my child, and then leave. It's happened 4 times....and I'm ok with that. That's what fostering is.....but I feel, somehow, that foster-to-adopt should be different. Permanent. We began this road so that we could adopt children. But it's not about us, we've realized, it's about the children. What I mean by that is that the foster-to-adopt program is designed to benefit the children - not necessarily us. If a child comes into foster care and then is not able to return home, it is best if the child is adopted by the current foster family. The less moves a child makes, the less trauma they endure. So they are at less risk, but we aren't.

And I'm ok with that.

What scares me most about Little Flower leaving after living here for so long is that she will feel betrayed. That she will be damaged emotionally. That she may not be cared for as well as I'd like her to be or in the ways that I would care for her.

I cannot imagine waking up each day and not seeing that precious little girl running through the house laughing. I cannot imagine not looking into her beautiful brown eyes. I cannot imagine not singing her favorite songs to her, holding her tight, and being able to soothe her when she's sad. We have such a strong bond and such an amazing understanding of each other. It's like I bore her from my own body.

I often say that if I was not a Christian, I could not be a foster parent. And it's true. People always ask, "How do you do it?" and my honest answer to that is that I serve the living God. The God of Heaven and earth, the Creator of all things, and He holds me in His hand. I have prayed and He has answered. I have nearly died and He has saved me. I was lost and broken and He found me and healed me. I put all my trust in Him and I know that He cares for each one of these children and will watch over them and protect them when I can't. The rewards far outweigh the losses.

Matthew 19:14

 but Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”

I love you, Little Flower <3


1 comment:

  1. Rachel, this is so beautiful. It is so hard to think of her feeling betrayed, not understanding that your love for her is as strong as ever if she should have to go and live somewhere else. My heart breaks at the thought of it because when I see her with you, I see her as your family. I cannot imagine her any other way. You are right about only being able to do this through God...He really is faithful even in the hardest times. Thank you for sharing your heart.