"Little Flower" a poem of love from a mother's heart

Tiny, fragile, lying there

grasping at her long black hair

Eyes are closed and eyebrows raise

beautiful, her little face

Little hands are all outstretched

nothing on her face is etched

Long brown fingers, big brown eyes

everything is a surprise

Cooing, laughing, looking 'round

this little treasure that we've found

Exploring, crawling, cuddled tight

angel tucked in for the night

Peace and love are all you know

as you grow and grow and grow

Time flies by and now you're one

can't believe you're so much fun

Brother holds you in his lap

where you fall asleep to nap

Sister loves to play with you

every day with you is new

Daddy holds you way up high

you are laughing in the sky

Mommy sings your favorite song

holds you close all day long

Pretty soon you start to walk

I can't believe how much you talk

You laugh and run and sing and dance

get into mischief every chance

Your second birthday has gone by

we love you right up to the sky

You are our joy and our delight

each morning all the way til night

I try but can't describe this child

she's intricate, unique, and wild

A flower, soft, a loving heart,

intrigued, affectionate, and smart

I'll never leave or let you go

how great our love, I hope you know

I've never met a girl like you

each day you fill our hearts anew

My greatest fear, I face today

they'll take my little girl away

I'd surely stop them if I could

I hope my baby knows I would

She won't know where her mommy went

why to grandma's she was sent

Did we really love her so

will our baby ever know?

She'll try to find her mom and dad

the brother, sister that she had

She'll cry not knowing where we are

or why we had her sent so far

 Our precious girl, alone and sad

crying for the ones she had

Please come back, come back for me

I'll be good, mom, you will see

Once this case is closed and filed

"they" will have traumatized a child

who should've been happy, attached, and free

instead of suffering emotionally

Will they know your favorite things,

the lullabies your mommy sings?

Your blanket, drink, and special cup, 

what you like when you get up?

My tears flow freely as I write

sitting here so late at night

Wishing I could stop this pain

fighting, but I fear in vain

I pray to God in Heav'n on high

I beg Him, "no!" and ask Him, "why?"

and yet I know He knows my pain

I know our loss is not in vain

His plan, I trust but cannot see

I'd stop it all if it was me

I want to keep my little daughter

I beg my God, my Living Water

So I beg, please hold her near

Lord, please let her know no fear

Hold her tight and dry her tears

give her joy for many years

Help her, please, to understand

if I could I'd hold her hand,

Hold her close and hear her voice,

but letting go is not my choice

If from her this cup can pass

I plead, my God, that's all I ask

Let us keep her, let her stay

don't let them take my girl away.

The Stranger

I have read the following story a few times over the years and it's worth your time. I do not know the author, unfortunately....

The Stranger 

A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small Texas town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on. 

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors:

Mom taught me good from  evil, and Dad Taught me to obey. But the stranger...he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies. 

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind. 

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet.

(I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.) 

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush. 

My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished. He talked freely ( much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.

I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures. 

His name?.... 

We just call him, "TV."

* *Note: This should be required reading for every household in America !** He has a wife now....We call her "Computer."

This story grips me every time I read it. When a real person acts violently or swears or acts inappropriately in front of my children, I cringe and do anything I can to protect my kids. I do not allow those things in my home. But I let it in through the screens in my home. 

Some reasons I hate tv, video games, and electronics...

It takes away from the relationships in the home by isolation. Everyone is on their electronic device and not interacting with each other.

The more they watch, the more they misbehave and fight with each other.

The more they watch, the more dazed and unresponsive they are. It actually negatively affects the way your brain functions - especially in children. 

They see and hear things that they should not be seeing and hearing. It puts fantasies and wicked thoughts into your mind. Actions follow thoughts.

It zaps their creativity and imaginations.

It creates a mentality of entitlement and boredom.

It promotes laziness, unhealth, and depression. 

It steals your life, your joy, your potential.

It takes your focus off of people and real life and God. 

We have always had "rules" around our electronic use, but, I admit,  I have not been very consistent with them. Two days ago, I decided that I want something better for our family. I want kids who know their parents love them and who have close family relationships. I want kids who see and know and pursue their potential in life. I want kids who work hard and play hard. I want kids who have good character and kids who have a heart to serve others and not be self-centered. I want to enable and encourage my kids to be successful in their lives and in their relationships. 

Two days ago, I limited tv, computer, and ds to 2 hours maximum combined per day. The kids are a bit uncomfortable with this but are compliant. We are using timers and keeping track. I am encouraging good 'ol work and play and relationships the rest of the time. What they don't know is that in about a week's time, I am going to change it to 1 hour per day.....and then a week later we'll be moving to 30 min per day.....and after that maybe only a couple days out of the week or just on the weekend. This stuff is not going to be ruling our lives anymore. 

We are actually going to move and learn and grow and spend time with each other and with our family and friends and God. We are going to make a difference in the world around us. We are going to discover our potential and help others discover theirs. We are going to really live. 

 

Should My Kids Do Chores? Part 2

We all really love our kids. We don't want to be hard on them and want them to have a fun childhood and not have to work too hard or be burdened. That's not truly loving our kids, though. They will grow up and expect to get places in life with minimal effort and that is not how life works. We know that, of course, but our kids don't and we have to share that valuable information with them in the form of work. 

Here are some really good reasons to have your kids helping out around the house:

1. They will learn to be organized and tidy which will help them to minimize stress and manage their lives better.
2. They learn the value of work.
3. Mom will have more time to spend with the kids if she's not doing all the work. A burnt out mom is not a fun mom. 
4. They learn independence.
5. They develop valuable skills.
6. They learn to appreciate the work of others.
7. It helps them to feel valued.
8. It gives them a sense of ownership and pride.
9. They learn the value of serving others. 
10. If they don't learn to take responsibility now, they certainly won't later.

So what age should your kids start helping out? I think that depends on the child. I start when they are quite young, about 15 months old or so. We play the clean up game and they participate in putting their baby toys in the basket. Following is a list of chores and skills and ages they are appropriate for. Of course, the easy chores are appropriate for older children, too, but I will try to list them under the ages that are appropriate for teaching the chore. You should not assign all the chores in one category to one child, but determine for yourself what needs to be done and how many of the chores your child is capable of handling at a time. 

Ages 2-3 

(Most of these will just be "helping" and not really doing an amazing job, they should work with someone and not alone)

Help pick up toys

Help set the table

Choose clothing

Brush teeth

Wipe front of appliances/cupboards

Help fold rags, dishcloths, and facecloths

Make their bed

Put laundry in the dryer

Wipe lightswitch plates

Dust

Hang up pajamas 

Put on socks

Wash hands and face (with help)

Straighten shoes - line them up

Ages 4-5

Choose clothing

Get dressed

Put away pajamas

Make bed

Brush teeth

Tidy bedroom (with guidance)

Set table

Clear table

Help fold laundry

Spot clean floor or walls

Feed pets

Water plants

Change hand towels in bathroom and kitchen

Help with baking

Wipe up a spill

Wipe off seats of kitchen chairs

Empty bathroom garbage

Put dirty clothes in hamper

Help load the washing machine

Help rinse dishes

Dust

Wash face and hands   

Put on shoes and coat

Help carry small items to the car

Pick up garbage in the car

Help wipe seats in the car

Help bring the yard toys back to the house

Clean bathroom sink and counter

Clean out the lint trap in the dryer 

Know address and phone number

Ages 6-9

Tidy bedroom

Sweep 

Comb hair

Floss teeth

Help fold laundry

Take dirty laundry to the laundry room

Empty dryer and load wet clothes into dryer

Clean and trim nails

Separate own dirty and clean laundry

Change sheets on bed

Mop

Empty dishwasher

Wipe table and counters

Put away own laundry

Tidy main areas (living and dining room and entrance)

Wipe toilet seat

Put away books and movies

Help younger child learn a chore

Vacuum

Take phone message

Fold blankets

Weed garden

Clean tv and computer screens

Take out garbage

Take out recycling

Clean mirrors

Empty wastebaskets

Help with meal prep

Bake (with help when using the oven)

Put groceries away

Clean windows and mirrors in car

Learn measurement

Make emergency call 

Clean pet cages 

Read a map 

Ages 10-12

Clean bedroom

Wash own laundry

Tidy dresser drawers

Get up on time

Make basic meals

Clean the bathroom

Organize 

Shovel walk or deck

Vacuum out vehicle

Make small repairs

Teach chores to younger children

Vacuum

Clean under sink and wipe out kitchen cupboards

Clean out fridge

Mop floors

Load dishwasher

Put away leftovers

Help put seatbelts on younger children

Pack bags needed for outings

Make snacks

Wash and dry dishes by hand

Wash windows

Fold laundry neatly, without wrinkles

Flip mattress

Replace lightbulbs (understand wattage) 

Water gardens and grass

Sort laundry according to color, dirt, fabric

Measure properly 

Open a savings account 

Pack own lunch 

Learn first aid emergency procedures 

Basic baby care 

Repair toys and books

Compare quality and prices 

Hang a picture on the wall

Check smoke detectors

Ages 13-15

Plan and cook a healthy meal

Mow the lawn

Fix a bike tire

Simple sewing/mending

Budget allowance

Detail car

Hand wash delicates

Shop for clothing

Trim trees and shrubs

Replace fuse or know where breakers are

Polish furniture

Clean rugs with a steam cleaner

Unplug a drain with chemicals and plunger

Organize closets

Read/understand ingredient labels

Do own clothing inventory

Take a bus

Know emergency first aid and cpr procedures

Plan a party

Fill car with gas

Check oil and washer fluid 

Babysit

Iron clothing

Understand stain treatment

Clean carseats 

   

Ages 16-18

Change a tire

Change the oil

Fix a bike

Household repairs

Use power tools safely

Paint a room

Drive

Learn to properly use credit card

Plan groceries for a week and shop for them

Return item to store

Babysit  

Clean out oven

Run errands

Understand expenses and pay bills

Get a job

Wash the car

Budget

 

I fully understand that not every child will be able to accomplish everything in the age category that I've placed it. I have known 2 year olds that could pick out their own clothes and 6 year olds that can't dress themselves. These are only guidelines and a place to start from. You determine what you think your child would be capable of and if they can't do everything on the list, that's not a big deal. Start with a few things and master them and then add to it. 

I read a book called 401 Ways to Get Your Kids to Work at Home by Bonnie Runyan McCullough and Susan Walker Monson and I would recommend it. It is full of great ideas and charts and plans and is a great asset no matter where your family is at right now. If you'd like a copy of the book, you can pick one up at Chapters Indigo or possibly at your local library.    

 

Successful & Present Parenting

"I wake up each morning and hope for the best. Are these kids gonna drive me crazy today? I hope I can get through the morning and make it til naptime. All they do is fight and whine and interrupt me. Maybe I'll just turn on the tv so that I can check my fb or talk on the phone or take a nap. Worse case scenario I'll have to get off the phone and break up a fight and then get back on the phone.

Finally nap time. I hope they don't quit taking afternoon naps, that'd be too stressful. Ugh, I feel like I can never get anything done. The house is a mess and I can never keep up. I just don't have enough time in my day to get everything done. When was the last time I did something for me? I feel like I always have a thousand things to do at once and it's just so overwhelming. I don't do schedules....or routines. They don't work for me. I'm a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants kind of person."

Is this what goes through your head each day? Maybe not all of it, but some of it? I admit that I have had all of these thoughts at one point or another. I have wondered why the kids just can't get along. Why I can't keep up with the housework, etc. I've been thinking a lot lately about distractions and parenting and I was going to write a post just about that, but then I stumbled across an amazing post here about distractions while raising kids and I couldn't have said it better. Be sure to jump over to Hands Free Mama to read it. You'll be glad you did!

I've noticed that when I get distracted or my kids end up watching too much tv or play video games for too long or are left on their own for too long without adult interaction and communication - they are HORRIBLE. Kids have needs and someone needs to meet those needs and if the adult in their life isn't meeting those needs, then they begin to communicate LOUDER that they have needs that aren't being met. Kids aren't great communicators - in case you haven't noticed - and screaming, hitting, punching, kicking, whining, making messes, etc top the list. The reason they use these behaviors is because it WORKS EVERY TIME. It always gets your attention, unlike when they stand next to you and say, "Mom...mom....mom, mom, mom, MOM! MOM! MOM! MOMMMM!"  And we find that sooo annoying, when they keep "bugging" us when we are "busy".

When you have kids you need to be present and actually raise them.

Things you should know about each of your children:

1. Their favorite things - toys, colors, books, foods, activities
2. What makes them sad, happy, mad, frustrated, excited
3. What's important to them
4. Their love language - read The Five Love Languages of Children by Chapman & Campbell - Don't have time to read? Just print off the quiz and fill it out for each child.
5. What they want to be when they grow up - even if it changes every week
6. What kind of personality they have
7. What motivates them
8. What their dreams are
9. What calms them down - how they self soothe
10. What they are afraid of
11. What they're good at
12. What they struggle with
13. Who their friends are and what those friends are like and into and those parents

This list isn't exhaustive, but it's a great start. Make up a list for each of your kids and see if you can answer these questions, and the ones you can't answer, ask your child.

Some ways to be present with your kids:

1. Create a special tradition for when you get up in the morning. It could be a beverage you always share, a phrase you always say, or a song you play - whatever you can come up with.
2. If a schedule is too rigid for your family, develop a routine - even a basic one. Kids thrive when they know what's coming next. Not having a routine will make your kids feel insecure and that will lead to a lot more negative behaviors. Even a basic routine is a discipline that you will have to work on, but develop this good habit and things will run much more smoothly - for you and for them. Adults feel better and have more energy and motivation when their days are planned out. This is what I use every morning and I get tons done in way less time than I did with the "wing it"  method I was using before.
3. Say "I love you" as many times a day as you can.
4. Thank your child for the things they do around the home.
5. Read to your kids every day or every night. We use chapter books and try to read one chapter a day.
6. If your kids watch tv after school, watch it with them. 
7. Include your kids in making dinner and talk about their day, their dreams, their frustrations. Let them guide the conversation.
8. When your kid is talking to and you are on your phone or the computer or watching tv, put down what you are doing and look them in the eyes. You usually don't need to finish what you are doing before you give them your attention. Really listen and respond positively.
9. Plan dates with your kids. They don't have to be extravagant or cost money. Go for a walk, play catch, work out together, knit something, play a board game, read, just talk over a favorite beverage in another room of the house away from everyone else for a set amount of time. Don't bring along any distractions and be sure that everyone else is set up with something to do in order to minimize interruptions. 
10. Laugh and tell jokes with your kids. Maybe come up with a new joke every day.
11. Ask your kids how they feel about things (be specific) and help them positively work through why they feel the way they do.
12. Let them pick the activity.
13. Have a bedtime routine that is special for each child. We read to our kids before bed, sing them each a song of their choice, tuck them in and pray with them. After tucking them in, as I leave the room we always say to each other, "joobin-gaudin, elephant shoe, elephant dung". Don't ask me why, we just always do, and they love it.
14. Spend time teaching your kids how to do life. Teach them how to do chores (and include them in the housework), how to do relationships (sibling rivalry produces tons of opportunities for this), work on character traits, teach them how to handle money.
15. Set a good example by how you interact with other people, how you spend your money, how you make decisions, how you express yourself and deal with your emotions.
16. If you do wrong by your kids, apologize and ask for forgiveness. Show them that you, too, struggle with things and are working on improvement.
17. Focus on the positive and encourage your child instead of focusing on the negative and criticizing. Criticism is good but in small doses. Think about how it makes you feel when you are criticized. Think about how it makes you feel when you are encouraged. 
18. Look at your kids as little people with feelings and passions. Love them no matter what they throw at you and help them discover who they are and what they are meant to do/be. 
19. If you aren't going to do it, don't say it. Show them that your word means something and that you can be trusted. Not just with discipline, but with promises of activites, etc. 
20. When they share something with you, no matter how shocking, don't react. They are confiding in you and even if you do not approve of what they are telling you, it's huge that they are telling you. Be calm, correct if necessary, and encourage them in the right direction. 

 

This is just what I have come up with and, again, not an exhaustive list but a place to start. Parenting can be overwhelming, but the truth is, we only have to deal with one moment at a time. Be present with your kids and help them figure it out. Often I think that my kids should know better or behave better, but really, they're just kids. I'm not saying that they should use that as an excuse, but I cannot expect a child to behave as an adult. Change is tough and building new habits takes time, so work diligently with your kids and over time you will see improvement.

 

Your kids need parents - BE that parent!  

 

Don't just hope they'll turn out - HELP them turn out!

 

 If you have anything to add to this, I'd love to hear your comments! 

Time

We all have 24 hours each day to use in whatever way we choose. That's 1440 minutes. Every day. Time management is one of those things that can slip thru the cracks in the chaos of everyday life. I personally am not very good at it. I can sit at my computer and, before I know it, 120 of those minutes are gone. My kids are often competing for my attention - competing with the computer, the phone, my bed, the housework.........When it's put down on paper, it seems easy to prioritize, but in the moment, it's not.

My children are priceless treasures waiting to be guided........

If I'm not available to them, they will follow someone or something else. I am starting to see my kids do or say things and I'm like, "what? Where'd that come from...." just to realize later that they saw it on a commercial - I'm not totally bashing tv watching (I don't really like it, but allow it) but if my kids are watching tv, I should be available for discussion of what they are seeing and hearing and how that is or is not God-glorifying.

A lot of beautiful moments are forever lost because of a mom who is too busy. We are all super busy, I know, but sometimes we aren't really too busy, we just don't feel like it....

This scenario plays out a lot at my house:

Child: "Mom, can you read me a story?"

Mom: "Not right now, maybe later."

Child: "Can we have a picnic today?"

Mom: "Uh.....I'm too tired today, maybe tomorrow."

Child: "Can you show me how to make a cake?"

Mom: "I have too much to do today, sorry."

And so the kids make their own fun - they fight, they get into stuff, they do anything and everything they can think of to get mom's attention. This just exasperates mom and the yelling begins. Mom thinks she has bad kids and is overwhelmed........this brings more time on the computer or the phone........Mom really needs a break. Things continue to escalate.......All hell breaks loose and Mom retreats to her room wondering how it ever got this bad............

It got this bad cuz Mom didn't feel like reading a story. Sounds harsh, but it's true. Kids THRIVE on spending time with their parents. A story doesn't take long, just a couple minutes, and we have 1440 of those at our disposal.

Yesterday I made the decision (again) to be a more present and involved parent. I sat down for the first time in ages to watch a show in the DAYTIME! (never happens) and sure enough, within about 15 minutes my little girl came up to me and said very sweetly, "Mama, I tryin a make a cake for you but I don't know what ingredients to nooze....can you teach me?" I looked at my show and looked at that sweet girl's face and decided that yes, we would make a cake right then. It was chocolate and Logan even pitched in and we made memories. Sweet memories. They learned. They spent time together and with me. We had so much fun.  It was much more rewarding than that show would have been.

So next time you don't feel like it, just try. You'll be surprised how much happier your kids will be, how peaceful your home will get, and how blessed you'll be from something as simple as a story.

Middle Child?

If you know me, it is common knowledge that I have been potty training my middle child for the past TWO YEARS. Enough said.

I have tried everything. Nothing has worked. How many times have we heard that from parents?

I really have, though. And I have been at a loss for awhile now. I have been very frustrated.

My husband came home yesterday and said something to me that I think (and am hoping and praying) will make all the difference in the world.

He said, "The oldest gets all the responsibility and privileges, the youngest gets all the attention, and the middle child is just stuck in the middle."

Ok those weren't his EXACT words, but they are my interpretation/paraphrase of them. My plan now has been to really spend time with her. I've given her attention in the past in hopes of it helping in the potty training area, but this is different. I think I need to change the way I am with her for the long haul. Reading a book to a kid one day and not the next 5 doesn't change anything. But really investing in who they are and getting down on their level on a moment by moment basis and including them in everything I do is what I am getting at here.

This is Day 1. I will let you know how it's going :) I'm optimistic!

Intentions

"I didn't intend to leave my phone on my bumper"

"I didn't intend to lose my temper and yell at my kids"

"I didn't intend to forget to pay that bill on time"

We don't intend to. That's the problem. WE NEED TO INTEND TO.  

This morning I do not feel like being a good mother. I am tired. I am a little grumpy. I have a cold. I feel lazy. BUT I have kids and they are gonna go all haywire on me if I don't set some GOOD INTENTIONS!

So for today, I needed to start off my day INTENDING TO BE A GOOD MOTHER.

Thank you, Sharpie, for my custom mug this morning! 

I also have these reminders on my stove for me to read every time I am in the kitchen - which is often:

Left:

I am the thermostat that sets the emotional climate for the entire home. I am positive, excited, and encouraged.

Middle:

I am not called to be perfect, I am called to be at peace. 

Right:

My children are a BLESSING in my life and I am raising them to be a BLESSING to this world.

(you can find these at Hannnahkeeley.com!)

I choose my thoughts carefully. I don't let my mind think what it wants. Instead, when I feel like crap, I think things like......

"I would like to read with my children this morning!" 

"I am going to spend one-on-one time with each of my kids today and this is what I am going to do with each of them......" 

"I can't wait to see how fabulous my kitchen is going to look when I have finished washing all these dishes! Maybe I'll make something yummy for dessert......"

Instead of thinking things like.......

"Ugh. I have SO much housework to do. What is the point anyway? It's always such a mess. I can't keep up. And the kids are acting like brats! I wish they would just be quiet and clean up after themselves for once......"

So far so good :) I have a feeling that today is gonna be one of those FABULOUS days! ;)

	Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

Learning to Cherish my Little People

I have 4 best friends that I spend nearly all my time with. Their names are Matthew (my husband), and Logan, Jasna, and Daisy - my little people. I have spent a lot of the past 10 years "caring" for these little people, meeting their physical and emotional needs, but not really knowing them. People preach about "quality time" and carting your kids to as many activities as possible to help them be "well rounded" and "socialized". I have tried these ideas out and they've been ok, but not ideal.

I am taking a different approach.
We have learned to stay home A LOT. We work together, play together, laugh together, cry together, pray together, read together, and so much more. We're not always running here and there and we do our best not to be consumed with "busyness". Even school takes a backseat to our family time. Learning is very important, but bookwork is not as important as building relationships with your family. 

Recently, it was laid on my heart that I don't truly know my children's hearts. Sure, I know how they act up and what they don't like to eat and what they want for Christmas and who their friends are and if their laundry needs washing or noses need wiping. I kinda know what to expect from them in different situations. Some are more "well-behaved" than others. But now I am learning to see the inside of my little people.

My 3 year old is a delight and a joy - half the time. The other half is quite the opposite. Opposite of delightful and joyful. We've been in a back-and-forth battle with behavior. When I see my little girl throwing a HUGE fit, I am choosing to no longer take it personally and to no longer see it as a battle of wills. I see a little girl who needs guidance and love - MORE THAN ANYTHING! She doesn't know what she wants or what's good for her. She doesn't know how to do life. No one has taught her, and so she's trying to figure it out.

A lot of adults can't even figure out how to do life well, much less a 3 year old.

So part of my job description is helping her learn how to do life. Minute by minute, day by day. Gentle words with kindness and patience and long-suffering is needed to bring about the change in their habits and lives. They're not going to do what's right just because they know what's right. We need to help them get there. Day by day. Tantrum by tantrum.

There is a balance that is hard to find and that is being the AUTHORITY in their lives, but mixing it with gentleness, kindness, and mercy. Authority doesn't have to be harsh. It is firm, but it is loving. In order to have authority in my kids' lives, I have to have a relationship with them. I can't just boss them around and expect that my instructions are going to be heeded. I have to have their hearts. I have to fellowship with my kids.

How do I have my kids hearts?

Take time to talk with them. Listening to them and letting them guide the conversation. With my 10 yr old son, we talk about Bowser's Inside Story (his DS game he plays all the time). He talks about battles and aliens and all kinds of weird stuff. So I really listen. I ask him questions about how he defeats the enemies (and sometimes we talk about our Spiritual enemies and how we defeat those). When I talk to my 3 yr old daughter, it's all castles and princesses and beautiful tea parties, etc. We talk about life, but in her terms and on her turf. (at a tea party)

She said to me, yesterday, "Mama, when you're angry with me it makes Jesus bery sad, so please you be happy with me?" This was out of the blue, while she was playing. It made me chuckle, but it's good to know she's thinking about these things. Sometimes she'll correct her older brother with words she's heard from me. (sometimes that's good, sometimes not lol)

My point in all this is that you can't just herd your kids around like cattle. Making sure they're fed and clean and rested isn't enough. It doesn't take a lot of time to have a relationship with your kid, it just takes being intentional and consistent.

Example: (probably shared this one before, but it's one of my favorites)
At 11 pm a couple weeks ago, I was putting my 3 yr old in bed. (she is usually in bed by 7, but had had a very long nap). She hung her head and said, "Mama, you agot (forgot) to have a tea party with me." followed by a sigh. I looked at the clock and thought, "Why not?" I raced her to the kitchen table, pulled out my tea cups and saucers, poured the imaginary tea and we both said, "Cheers!" and drank up! The tea party took 1 minute. 1 minute. And I tucked a very happy girl in her bed that night.

I'm not saying that we need to cater to our kids and that they should get their way all the time and always have what they want. I just think we could do a little more in the relationship building department. If they love you and they know you love them because they've experienced your love and time, they will listen to what you have to say. They will respect your authority. How much better to have a kid do what you say because they love you and want to please you, than to have them do it out of fear or because they HAVE TO OR ELSE! That's not going to build a lasting relationship.

Just a few things I've learned about my kids lately:
-Jasna can't wait to get to heaven to see Jesus' "castle". She is very affectionate and helpful. She helps pack Daddy's lunch every day :)
-Logan longs for dates with his mom, with no distractions. (ie. little kids, phones, computers, etc) He is great with his baby sister and is a very thoughtful child.
-Daisy loves to be with me and under my feet. She is learning to play games now! I tell her to say "Mama" and she'll say "Dada" and then throw her head back laughing! What a goof! :)
 
 I can't wait to learn more! What a blessing it is to be with these little people all the time! I've always got my friends over. There's always someone to talk to, someone to encourage, someone to help, someone to play with, someone to teach, someone to listen to. It's comforting and quite enjoyable :)

What To Do When Parenting is Driving You Crazy

I've tried everything and nothing works! It just seems like I'm coping some days and barely making it through the day. It's one catastrophe after another, and I just seem to be the family referee. I'm running behind them, breaking up fights, cleaning up messes, correcting behaviors, disciplining, and trying to escape for "me time". (Blogging and coffee is often "me time") They seem to interrupt me constantly and I get frustrated, which quickly turns into anger, and then all hell breaks loose! Watch out! MOM IS MAD! The yelling and accusations begin, the kids cower and run from me. I am chasing them around and around the house, I've got to catch them one of these times. Then they're in their rooms, doors shut, and I am in the living room deep breathing and wondering how that happened. Not a pretty scenario, but one all too familiar to all of us, I'm sure. It's a vicious, vicious cycle.

What to do?

Confess. First to the kids. Tell them you are sorry that you lost your temper with them. (Don't let this turn into a guilt trip held over your head by the kids. Once you've confessed, it's over. We don't bring up the past. Ever. Refuse to even go there.) Then confess your weakness to God. He removes our sin from us as far as the east is from the west. That's awesome!

Start over. Now is the perfect time to start over, which is really quite convenient seeing as it is always 'now' and never 'yesterday' or 'tomorrow'. Now is truly all we have, for when and if tomorrow gets here, it will not be tomorrow, but will be now.

Make a plan. Take as much time as you are able, when the kids are out of your hair, in bed, whatever, to sit down and make a plan. This sounds boring but will save your sanity. Think of the behaviors you want to target and how you are going to deal with them, and then stick to your plan. Changing the plan all the time puts you back at 'I've tried everything and nothing works'. Whatever plan you come up with, stick to it, and DON'T go back on your word! When you have a plan, you don't have to stress in the moment. And remember, you don't have to deal with things as they happen. Take a breather and then decide what to do. Don't just react.

Say what you mean and mean what you say. For example, if my 3 year old is being over the top crazy bad, I would choose not to say, "That's it! You are not going to _____'s (her foster brother) birthday party this weekend!" I have every intention of taking her to that party, not because it's a fun party and I just couldn't take away a birthday party (I can, and I would if that's what was needed) but I would not say it because the relationship she has with her foster brother (who no longer lives with us) is highly valuable to me and to her and we don't get to see them very much. So to take this away, in my opinion, would not be a good idea. I would say, "I'm sorry that you are having trouble, Sweetheart, I'm going to have to take away all of your privileges for a week." (tv, computer, the playroom, desserts/sweets, etc) Don't bother saying this if you know that the next time it's 'convenient' you're just gonna stick em in front of the tv. If you're not going to follow through (which is a lot of work and takes determination) then it's better not to say it in the first place. Threats and warnings(just a fancy word for threat) are your worst enemy. They tell your child, "I'm a spineless parent who isn't going to do anything anyway, you can get away with whatever you want."

Pile on. I only use this strategy for something really serious that I never want to happen again. It looks like this: Child does or says something that is highly inappropriate. (calls me a name, hits me, hurts a sibling) Everything stops. I do nothing for this child beyond the basics. I do not tell them this is happening. Every time they ask to do something or to have something, the answer is, "No, I'm sorry, but you hit your brother, so you can't do that now. You must never hit anyone." This could last for a day or a week, whatever you think is needed. The consequence needs to be severe if you don't want to see that behavior again. If it's not, you will see a lot more of that behavior and you'll start feeling like a referee and like "nothing's working".

Have authority. The parents are in charge. Period. So take authority. Don't ask your kids, "Sweetie, would you mind picking up your toys? That would be great, cuz I'm going to need this room cleaned up cuz we're having your friends over soon and we wouldn't want the house to be a mess when they get here, okay?" Too many words. Try this, "Sweetie, pick up your toys." You don't need to explain why, ask if they'd like to, or anything else. Don't stand over them and see if they're gonna do it. Walk away. When you see that it's not done, just call the friend and say, "I'm sorry, but something happend and we are not able to have company today. Maybe we could try tomorrow?" B doesn't happen until A is completed. So whatever that kid wanted to do, doesn't happen if they've not done what you told them, the first time. So if they go and clean up the toys after you've canceled the visit, don't re-invite the guests. It's done. Try again next time. No changing your mind. (By the way, they're gonna say it's not fair. Just giving you a heads up. And yes, it's not fair that they didn't do what you said the first time) And don't warn them, "If you don't clean up these toys right away I'm going to have to call your friends and tell them they can't come." That's a warning and a threat. The only warning ever necessary is this: "Darling, from now on (and don't say this if you don't mean it) when I tell you to do something, you must do it right away. If you choose not to, there will consequences and you won't like them."

One liners. These are my lifesavers. When I feel like I'm about to lose it and go over the edge, I just throw these out there and it helps me cope. Sure. Yup. Mmhm. Probably so. You're right. Nice try. Yes, dear. I "step away" from the situation in my head and use these one liners to get me through the thick of it until I have time to calm down and think clearly.

Relationship. Relationship. Relationship. Your kids are a blessing from God. Sure we need to do the dishes, and the bathroom has to be cleaned, and we have to mail that letter, and pick up some milk, and check our email (of course), and answer the phone, and call the school, and make lunches, and bath the baby, and and and.....but these (as my friend, Tyler, puts it) are not my priority.  *My children are not the interruption. They are the priority. Everything else is an interruption to my relationships with my kids. Sure these other things are important and sure, they need to be done. But not at the expense of the deep relationships with my kids. So this means, when I'm blogging, I might just need to take a break and go have a tea party with my 3 year old daughter, or stop and help my son out with his homework, or take a few minutes and have a cuddle time with the baby.

Plan into your day, every day, special times alone with each child. Even if all I've got is 5 or 10 minutes, that's enough. My mom did this when we were kids, just for a couple of months, she spent 15 minutes a day, alone, with each of us doing something we liked and telling us stories. I remember it like it was yesterday. Read a chapter of a book, tell them stories of when you were little or when they were little, talk about their day (kids really don't care to hear much about our responsibilities, they wanna talk about the show they watched or some game they played, or a funny joke they heard, or how their sister has been bugging them), give a head massage, watch an episode of their favorite show with them, whatever. Do something with them that they want to do. Let them guide this time with you. It'll be more fun for them and better for your relationship. With little kids, involve them in whatever you're doing. They love to learn and they love feeling like they are contributing to the family. Being mommy's big helper makes them feel important and loved. It's gonna make things take longer and they won't do a good job probably, but don't "fix" what they do.

And when things go downhill, go back to square one and start over....again. We've all been there, some of us are there right now, you're not alone. Bring everything to God in prayer. He is our strength in times of weakness.  You're never alone. How we feel is not as important as what we know.
*I quoted my friend, Tyler, and below is a link to her blog.

titus2345.blogspot.com

Being The Clay

So you've gotten to the point in your life where you are tired of living life the way it is. Sick of it, in fact. You can't go another day through this monotony. This pointless waste of time and emotions called life. You want transformation and a purpose. But there is no purpose anywhere in sight. Why am I here? Just to wipe snotty noses and drive kids to soccer and make dinner.....again? I'm not much of a role model for my kids anyway, so why bother? They aren't learning anything good from me, that's for sure.

Truth: Without God, there IS no purpose in life. Period. 

The one and only purpose of my life is to be in close relationship with and bring glory to God. The rest of this stuff that goes on is just a bunch of tools that God is using to bring me closer to Him and into His perfect plan and will for my life.

He is the Potter, I am the clay. He is molding me into the woman that He wants me to be. 

That is why my blog is called Potter's Hand. I am in His hand for His purpose.

Practically speaking, this means that my kid might be having a temper tantrum and tearing the house up and I am able to not take it personally. I can step back and say, "Lord, my child is showing me their desperate need for You in their life. Show me how to portray Your nature to them in this situation. What do You want me to do? How would You deal with this 3 year old? Give me Your peace and wisdom and understanding. Guide my words and actions that they would be healing and not damaging."

To say that I do this every time something goes wrong would be a flat out lie. I'm not going to lie to you or make you think that I'm so spiritual all the time that I never screw up. Yes, I've yelled at my kids at the top of my lungs. Yes, I've slammed doors and said things that I regret. When I mess up, I tell God and ask His forgiveness, but first I tell my kids I was wrong and ask their forgiveness. We talk openly (as much as is appropriate) with our kids about our/their struggles. My kids know they screw up, but they know that I do, too, and that God is forgiving. We forgive each other and pray for the other person and what they are struggling with. Yes, I have asked my kids, after a big fight, to pray with me to ask for God's help with my anger. It is a beautiful thing to see forgiveness and love in my child's eyes and to hear them earnestly pray for me. I do the same for them.

Every moment of every day is an opportunity to serve others and handle situations the way Jesus did. He wasn't out to punish everybody. He wanted them to know and feel and see His great love and compassion. We are all sinners, but there is hope and a purpose. Life becomes a beautiful thing when the focus is no longer on our personal gain and comfort and plans and becomes about His glory and plan for our lives.

Step back, go to another room, pray, and then return to the situation. We do NOT need to deal with a situation immediately. This is a lie that we have been told over and over and we have swallowed it without thinking. Kids have a memory. They are not going to forget. If anything, that will be the only thing they will be thinking about. I remember as a kid thinking for hours, "Did I get away with that? Are they going to remember? Am I going to be in trouble? Maybe if I am super good today, they will let me off the hook. I'll be really sweet..." Dealing with a situation immediately as it happens puts you in a terrible position. Here's why:

1: You might not really be sure of what happened exactly
2: Emotions are running high in everyone and anger sets in easily
3: You have no time to think through an appropriate response
4: You have no time to make a plan to deal with the situation in a way that will have lasting impact and enable change of heart.

Jumping in right away can be catastrophic. Not always, if you already have a plan set out and can deal with it calmly, but in many cases. So don't be afraid to wait. A 3 year old can remember for about 24 hours, a 6 year old for about 3 days, and a preteen for a week. I'm not suggesting that you should always wait days before dealing with something, but I am saying that you don't need to pressure yourself into reacting right away. Take the time you need to think clearly with a level head that is not being influenced by anger, til you come up with a plan.

Ok, this started out as a "purpose for my life" and ended up as a "Parenting 101" lol
Lost my focus a little bit, but I'm going to pretend it flows nicely and was intentional. ;)
My next post is going to be about the How and Why of the trials we go through in life. It will be a bit of an extension of this post. As always, I love to hear your comments!