Our youngest right now is a baby girl we call Daisy. She is a foster-to-adopt placement and we've had her since she was 3 days old. She is the delight of our family and a remarkable baby on all levels. We were told she would most likely be a cranky baby, but she has been one of the happiest and most content babies I've ever encountered. She has slept through the night, 12 hours a night, since she was about 3 months old. She is beautiful. Stunning might be a better word. She has become everyone's favorite in our home. The other kids adore her. We are so blessed.
We became foster-to-adopt parents after I nearly died with the delivery of our second child, Jasna. It was a crazy ordeal that led to an emergency hysterectomy, for which I was grateful actually. My babies were both over 10 lbs at birth, which was no small feat for me, standing at 5'2". It just seemed like the natural next step for us to become fost/adopt parents. We LOVE kids. We had talked about wanting to adopt at some point in our lives, before we even got married. So this just sped things up a bit.
It's a hard journey though. Our first placement was great. 2 brothers, then aged 1 1/2 and 4 and we had them for several months. They were returned home to their mother, whom I must say was and is very deserving of them. She worked so hard for them, and they are happy back at home with her now. Her and I have become great friends and our kids still play together. It is a HUGE success story, and a rare one. So we didn't experience much heartache in that situation, because they are doing so well and because we have become good friends with that family.
So then Daisy came along and we have enjoyed her sooooo much! It really feels like she is my own child, born of my womb. It is so hard to know that she is not really mine and may not ever be mine. To go on, and not know the end result, is a challenge at times. It pulls my heart strings. Today is her first time going on a visit, she's 10 months old. She just left and the tears fell freely as I watched her be driven away by a stranger. I know it's only 2 hours that she'll be gone, but this is a new phase for us and I pray for her safety on the roads and for her little spirit. We can't explain to her what's going on or why we are sending her away. I don't let her see my pain. I know God is watching over her and taking care of her when I can't. His will is perfect. His plan is perfect.
The thought of letting go is hard. The pain is not only my own. It is my husband's pain and my children's pain, too. My 3 year old said to me, after Daisy was picked up for her visit, "If you give my sister to a different man, then I won't have a sister anymore." That was hard to hear. I am honest with my kids about the possibilities and encourage them to take everything to God in prayer.
So I pray every day, a selfish prayer, that God will let us keep her. And I pray for the hearts of my children and foster children. But I also try to accept whatever may happen. God knows what He's doing. He knows the big picture. All I can see is right now and how we're feeling.
This morning I read Hebrews 4:16
Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.